Postponing the Inevitable

Nearly three months ago now, and three months to the day from coming home off my mission, this suitcase, along with another one, showed up at my doorstep. My mission stuff. The things I had left in Virginia anticipating my return... the return I had thought had anticipated would happen the day these showed up. God has a funny sense of humor... that sometimes isn't so funny.

In the three months since their arrival, these suitcases have sat mostly out of the way in corners of my room, largely untouched. This has been the case for many a reason... first because I didn't have the heart to even touch them for the first few weeks, then because my room has no closet. Everything is folded up and kept as nicely in the suitcase as in dresser drawers. SO, three months later, there they sit. This one particularly, as I've routed through the other one full of books and study materials, but from this one I've pulled nothing other than a hair brush. (Don't worry, I did brush my hair occasionally during the three months prior to the suitcases arrival.

Now I face an imminent move back to Utah, and I'm debating what I should do with said suitcases. Throw them in the car and worry about unpacking them in the future when I actually have a closet? Unpack and sort through them now? wave a magic wand and hope they figure something out themselves? So once again, I'm stalling, postponing, and spending my time blogging instead of packing... ugh. But at least I'm not working for the crazy lady anymore!! Horray for my freedom, and a lack of very bad dreams centered around crazy boss and creepy warehouse! OK, I guess I'll go back to packing now....

An Eventful Week

I even took a picture!!! Don't scoff at the poor quality or it will be the last. The Little one and I had the opportunity to come to Utah for General Conference this weekend. Little one had never been to conference at the conference center before, and the trip out to Utah served a multitude of purposes for myself. Conference was wonderful (as always). We attended the first session Saturday in the conference center, the second session at the tabernacle, and Sunday we stayed at home at the Ducks' residence. Conference invariably leaves me with much to contemplate, review, and modify in my own life. President Kimball's 1974 talk on service was used at least four times... I know at least one area of my life I can focus on improving. I particularly enjoyed the Sunday afternoon session. I much appreciated Elder Christofferson's talk on adversity and Elder Lynn G. Robins gave a much more eloquent version of my checklist soapbox. Several other talks were worth mentioning, but I'd spend all day on here if I wanted to mention all of them! With conference as a great start, April seems to be bringing some much anticipated change into my life. Last week I finally received my re admittance to BYU. I'd essentially decided it was never going to come, and had thus decided on not moving back to Utah, but I am now readmitted and registered for classes in the fall. So, I was able to use this trip to look for a place to live out here. I have a place to live for the summer, and am just waiting on a job to work out... I'm hoping that since everything else seems to be falling into place for this move to happen, the job will also follow shortly. Perhaps a vain hope, but a hope nonetheless. I've spent so much time playing pendulum on this decision to move back to Utah, I think Heavenly Father finally got exasperated with my indecision and decided to give me a little push in the right direction. (Thank you, it was much needed) I would have been 90 years old still debating the decision at the rate I was going. All this comes together to mean... I get to quit my current form of tortured slavery. Two weeks... I might just have to throw a party at the end of them... or would, if I knew anything about party throwing. Summary: It's been a great trip! We had four excellent sessions of conference, sun (I burnt on Friday and looked like a lobster), snow (we woke up to 4 inches this morning), hot dogs (sadly we missed hot dog king, but j-dawgs was an appropriate substitute), cafe rio, time well spent with good friends Scumbag and Hot Buns (sorry to everyone else! there wasn't much time, but I'll be back), and a whole lot of good quality time with The Little One (though we have yet to convince her to move to Utah). Stay tuned for an update on the days left of torture in the cold dark termite infested warehouse!

Projecting

Well, it took a month and a half, but I've finally had the chance to start putting my LA trip yarn to use. It's about time something good came of my trip down there, so I'm really excited to see these socks reach completion. The picture isn't the greatest, but it's a fun sock, beautiful yarn, fun pattern and quick knit... one week so far.

I have a few other projects I've been working on since my LA trip, but I had to post pictures of this one because it is a bit of a monumental project. Several years ago my mom received a sock knitting book as a gift from Jeanine. I was still knitting my first few projects and very much in the novice stages of knitting, but I saw the sock book and decided then and there that I was going to someday knit a pair of socks from that book.... though I had yet to dare try a sock. Several years and three pairs of socks later, I have finally pulled the book out and ventured to try a pattern! Had I known how easy they were, I would have tried earlier! Thanks Jeanine for providing me with the pattern for my fourth pair of socks!

I guess I should also thank Dr. LA for providing me with an excuse to visit LA and thus purchase this amazing yarn...

Torn

I guess I've been MIA for a while now, and it's time to post... for any of you that are still diligent in checking this... few though I know you are. I could blame it on the new job... working full time, commuting 90 miles round trip every day, secretly working extra hours off the clock in hopes that I might be able to appease The Boss. I could say I have a slow, boring life, and that nothing worth blogging about has occurred in the last few weeks (probably partially true, my life IS pretty boring), but in truth, I've been meaning to blog. I've had several rudimentary thoughts that have made it as far as the drafts section of blogger, but none of my thoughts seem to be progressing past the half formed stage lately. I guess the nature of my thoughts fall right in line with where my life seems to be lately... so will deciding on a path in life help settle my thoughts or vice versa... settled thoughts helping to settle my life. I'm sure that to some extent the two will coincide, I'm just not sure how it is to be done.

Sometimes I wish that wants, needs, and desires could more completely coincide with each other. Before I left to Virginia, I was pretty confidant what I would be doing when I returned... God has a way of messing with my plans though, and I seem to be back to the planning stage. Now though, I have all the old options, but I seem to have whole new sets of options available to me... the problem is that I seem to be insistent on making a custom order. I'd like this section of option A, but then I'd like this particular perk of option B, and this of option C. None of which really seem to come together in any of my options. Now I'm just left with too many things I want to do, too many choices and a massive amount of confusion as to what to do with it all. California? Utah? Oregon? School? Work? Family ward? Subject myself to a singles ward? Inspiration please? Dear God, just a reminder, I'm still wandering around like a lost sheep. Baaah!! I guess I still haven't learned how to be patient yet. After almost five months of living at home (something I have not done in quite some time), I'm ready to move forward in some manner.

Despite waiting and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life from here, I am content and happy. It's a strange combination, and one I'm not completely sure how to describe because in many ways I am definitely not content or happy... is it really possible to be content and yet in turmoil at the same time? Content in turmoil? Regardless, that seems to be where I sit. There are so many things about my life right now that I am absolutely in love with. Love my calling, love my session at the temple friday nights ( I know almost all the friday night temple workers). I have a job that is teaching me a lot, I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I know that someday I'll be able to look back on my experiences now and see all the things that I was able to learn from them. Things will work out! But... until then if anyone has any suggestions... more options to lay on the table, I'm open to just about anything!

Change

I've come to the conclusion that life has a speed dial with exactly two speeds. Hardly moving and Just Trying to Keep Up. When change happens, it seems to happen all at once. Sometimes you know and expect that change is going to happen, that it's going to take some adjustment, and you better hold on... you move away, suddenly you have roommates, a new job, and school or whatever else. All new experiences. You go on a mission, you give up phones and friends, technology, and dedicate your life to serving the Lord. That is a complete change. You come home, and you're expected to transition back to normal life, date, get married, finish school, be an integrated part of society. Other times, you may spent months waiting, looking for, and working towards a change convinced it is never going to happen, and then all of a sudden your speed dial is changed and life is pulling you along, and you're still trying to get past the feelings of inertia so that you can keep up.

This is a little bit how I feel with my life right now. After learning I wouldn't be able to return to the mission field, my life felt for a time as though it ground to a dead stop. So many options, so much unforeseen, and nothing that seemed to be working out. I put in over a hundred job applications, re-applied to school, spent hours knitting, and felt as though I was in a place of just waiting. Waiting for the ability to move forward. I had some good heart to hearts with the Lord during temple time, and then waited... as patiently as I could, for something to work out.

Now, my life is finally moving... at least aspects of it are. Maybe every aspect of life has a different speed dial (work, church, social, dating, family, etc), the differing movements of which can give us the feeling of being drawn and quartered... or nearly so. So, some of my dials have jumped to full speed. I finally this week was able to obtain employment, and have 24 hours on a time card with my name on it. I am working full time (plus a 45 minute commute), knitting a project for work which needs to be done in approximately one week (turbo knitting), and will be attending Stitches West in a week and a half ( all for work). I feel as though I'm dedicating nearly as many hours of my life to this new job as my dear friend Scumbag puts in on his job, though I'm sure the hours are still not really comparable, and my job is far more enjoyable, so it's almost more like play than work at times. Who wouldn't want to be employed by a lady who dyes yarn for a living? Shortly after I accepted the job in Fresno, I learned that I might also have the chance to return to utah and work there for another company. Now I am faced with the decision of staying or going.... what to do, what to do?

Our stake also just announced brand new boundary changes. I haven't really ever stuck around here long enough to get to know people in the stake outside my ward, so this should be an exciting, though somewhat difficult change. we'll be losing many of the people from our ward I've grown to know and love, so I guess that I'll have to get to know and love new people.

So, life is finally starting to move, change, and progress. Some of my dials I'm afraid might be irreparably broken (dating, social life), but I'm grateful that at least some of them remain intact. It may be difficult for a while keeping up, but I'm ready for this ride!

Solo Vacationing

As a precursor to this blog post, I just want to say: I am tired of apologizing for not having pictures. Apparently I am just not that much of a picture person, so if you're looking for a blog with more pictures than words (and I realize those blogs can be much more exciting), then I recommend looking elsewhere, because it is likely that this blog will remain wordy and less than visually appealing. So, with that said....

This last weekend I went on vacation. I've been home about three months now, and up until this last weekend, I hadn't really done anything to just enjoy being home. It has been doctor's appointments, job hunting and projects... which are fun, but don't feel as relaxing when it is what you spend your entire day doing for weeks on end, so I decided to get out and just enjoy myself for a while... I planned my first solo vacation. (different than a solo trip, which I have done many times across the desert between California and Utah, between semesters of school or for job interviews, etc. ) Vacationing involves sight seeing, relaxing and no commitments... or something along those lines.

My weekend of fun started with a trip to Ridgecrest to see my boys X-Man ad Tobster. Friday was a beautiful sunny day in Ridgecrest (quite the contrast to the weeks of fog and gloom that has been the norm for the last few weeks here in the grand ol' CV), so I had plenty of opportunity to soak up that sun playing hopscotch, hide and seek, tag and other games X-Man style. This proved quite interesting as rules changed every few minutes according to how X-man could most be benefited, but the hours were definitely well spent.

(Insert mental image of me hiding behind too small trees here.)

Saturday morning I got up (not early), and headed into LA. I had full tank of gas, a list of things I wanted to do, and an entire day in which to do them. My first stop was the LA temple visitor's center. This was a bit of a variance from plans as neglectful packing had ensured that my temple recommend was safely stowed in my temple bag back at home. Nonetheless, it was an enjoyable trip to the new visitor's center, and it has left me with a good excuse to return soon... I will someday see the inside of that temple.

(Insert mental image of me in front of LA temple here.)

Next on my to do list was a quaint little yarn shop in Santa Monica. Any time I go somewhere I try to find a yarn shop I can explore and buy myself a little trip fiber souvenir. So, I made my way over to Wildfiber, a yarn store I had found online. (thank you Ravelry!) I am not sure if I've ever seen such a busy, yarn store, there were at least two groups of people knitting, and people coming and going regularly. They definitely seem to get good business! I made the mistake of walking into the yarn store without a pattern in mind, and so spent a great deal of time looking over patterns and trying to decide what I wanted to make next. This is a difficult task whilst sitting among so many fabulous yarns... the possibilities are endless! After much thought, consideration, contemplation, and several trips around the store taking in the wonderful yarn, I decided on a gorgeous skein of sock yarn. A safe buy now, find pattern later option. I've now actually settled on this pattern, and am ready to get started as soon as I finish this baby blanket I'm going to be doing for my sister. I am really excited!

(Insert mental picture of skein of yarn here.)

So far so good, I left the yarn shop and continued west... as far west as I could go without a kayak or other form of water transportation. What is Southern California without at least a little bit of time watching the waves? I spent a few hours walking the beach, people watching, and again, enjoying the sunshine. I got myself some dinner and then watched the sun set over the water.

(Sunset on beach photo here.)

As soon as the sun faded behind the clouds on the horizon, it was time to be on the move again... Ten miles and 70 minutes later I found myself at the USC church building ready for a very good fireside with Elder Clayton. It was a Q&A forum and so many interesting topics were brought up and addressed. Good job Brother Stanley (we still wish you hadn't ditched us for them) and institute committee for putting on such a great fireside.

Finally, I ended the day being taken on a brief tour of downtown LA, a late night dinner, and then a two point five hour trip through the desert back to my sister's. If you ever really want to see stars, I recommend the desert outside of Mojave at two in the morning. Amazing! (I looked for stars on my run here last night. There are none). I had a slight hiccup in returning home. My phone died just after the fireside ended around nine, and the last text I sent home was misinterpreted as saying I was coming home, so my sister and family expected me home three hours before I got there. Oops! Hopefully I'll remember to charge my phone next time to avoid such worries.

(Insert mental picture of starry night sky.)

I spent the rest of the weekend with my sister's family and made the three hour journey home Monday. 700 miles later I'd say I had a pretty successful Vacation. Now I'm ready to start planning the next one. Any suggestions?

Life at Home

I guess I've done a pretty poor job at keeping this blog updated since coming home. Life at home didn't really seem much worth writing about for the first while and then I just kept putting it off and putting it off.

For those who haven't heard, Missionary Medical has told me that I won't be returning to the VRM. I've received my release certificate and been told I need to move on with my life, so that is what I'm trying to do. Talk about a major change in plans! Things are going pretty well though, and I'm accepting that I served an honorable mission for as long as I was able. Considering the extra work it took for me to get medical approval to go in the first place, I'm grateful for the months I had and all the many things I was able to learn. I hope that I can take those things now and make my future life all the better for it. I especially hope I never stop being a missionary!

It's been an interesting few months. In the two and a half years prior to coming home, I'd spent a grand total of about three weeks at home in California. I've now been home almost 12. Aside from working to regain my health and all that entails (sleep, doctors appointments, lab work, more sleep), I've devoted a large portion of my time to projecting. It's a good way to keep the mind busy while not overly exerting myself. I have a couple of finished projects (namely a pair of socks, a pair of mittens, a second pair of socks and two hats), several projects that are finished minus the finishing touches such as tying in the ends (a sweater, mittens , and a second pair of socks ), and a couple projects still in the works (spinning, a lace scarf and chair reupholstering). I feel a lot less accomplished now that I've listed all my projects and see how few they really are.

So my next step in life is to find work . I made a trip to Utah just before Christmas to interview for some jobs there, but no luck yet. Hopefully something will work out soon though because as fun as projecting can be, it's best in smaller quantities than has been the case for the last few months. So... if anyone knows of any available jobs, let me know. I'm interested, or at least, I'm interested in knowing about them.

Maybe I'll have something more interesting to talk about next time I post. No guarantees though...